There was this wonderful girl that was the center of my world. I loved her unconditionally. We went out for about more than a year. They were great times... wonderful times filled with movies, parks, adventures, hugs, kisses... you know, the whole package. It was amazing. My first ever TRUE love. Nobody ever forgets their true love... unless they have some sort of amnesia, like Alzheimer's disease. I feel sorry for those types of people, for I believe that they are in some sort of horrible limbo, but perhaps they forgot about all the pain that came with that love as well.
Pain... that is all that was left at the end. You give your heart to someone, you give your weaknesses. Your insecurities. Your everything. Reciprocity is the same on both levels of the spectrum though. You give love, you get love. You give pain, you get pain... and vice versa. This is no secret. You've been there I assume... shit happens.
The best parts where when we would show affection to each other in the areas that we thought deserved none. For example... my ex had this cute way of being insecure about one little tooth she had. Oddly enough, I thought that was the cutest thing about her... so I kissed her there and she would hate it, simply hate it. The angrier she got, the cuter I thought she was. But see, there was a certain air of miscommunication. Looking back, I think that she might have thought I was mocking her, but that was far from the case. I wanted to show her that whatever she hated about herself, I loved. I think she did the same with me, too.
The physical was never a serious problem between us... it is for many I hear... no, I know. But, that was never the case with us. The inferno was internal. The green eyed monster would show up and make a blasted mess out of everything... and he popped up in random places. In malls, movies, magazines... in our schools, grocery stores, and at church for Heaven's sake! It felt like heartburn, or battery acid melting on our nerves.
It is true what they say, you know. The ones who are closest to our hearts can hurt us the most. Tit for tat. I heard from some of my co-workers that the first few couple of good months were referred to as the "honeymoon" phase. Guy talk... hell, maybe dames use that term, too. I dunno.
Anyhow, the whole point of this entry was to just come to terms with going on with love just as one comes to terms with going on in life when something shitty happens. You look back, you learn, and you try to make the best out of it. No love experience is ever the same. It is different. There is no... "better than this one"... there is no "not as good as the other one"... it is just a different type of love. I understand that the first love experience is probably the strongest in the many people's opinions... it is for me anyways, but I don't expect there to be any other "higher" level. Love with another person is like... liking certain movies directed by different directors. I love this one movie directed by Guy Ritchie, but not in the same way I love that other movie directed by Guillermo del Toro. If anything, I love the lessons that I have learned about myself... and where the green monster might pop up- so I can punch it in its ugly mouth.
Just roll with it. See what else you learn about yourself. You might even choose to stay with them for your entire life. Go ahead and test those waters. Try and keep a good sense of communication between yourselves, and always remember what is best for your psychological and emotional health. Unhealthy emotions and unhealthy ways of thinking can manifest themselves physically, and they can even take a toll on your body after a while. Protect your heart, in all senses of the word, but don't be afraid to take risks, because that's when it beats the fastest.
